Hello Mija.

HI DAD. ARE YOU OKAY, DAD?

You are so good Mija. You know that reminds me of the time I was seventeen I knew everything. I was all knowing, all seeing, all everything. I told everyone I knew I would never get married and I would never be a bad parent because I would never have kids and I wouldn't wanna be hanging around my parents because I will live with them even after I get to be forty years old.

I KNOW, DAD. TWO YEARS BEFORE ME, RIGHT?

Precisely.

So, naturally, when I was seventeen, that ws two years before I was nineteen. That was when my cousin Idahoe saw me stuff the Kleenex or paper napkin aparatus into which I just made a substantial deposit only seconds before, back in my pocket. My cousin Idahoe Garciaparra, was and still is, as you know, from my mother's side of the gene pool that is me. Cousin I, when I was seventeen, told me, in so many words, that stuffing thin layers wood covered by a thicker layer of *mocos* and God Nose what ever else was lining my nasal passages in those days, back into the pocket attached to the pants I was wearing was, and still is, unhealthy and considered repulsive by many.

My Super-Mexican listening sense alerted my unalert peppermint schnapps Latino male brain that I, my father and my father's father were not only being insulted but the hygenic practises and used napkins handed down to me by the two or three three previous generations of me were being questioned.

DAD, I GOTTA DO MY HOMEWORK...

I am so proud of you Mija. It is for that very same reason that I, your paternal father must explain to you the difference between the ultra sensitive super-hearing commonly found in super-heroes versus the Super-listening skills handed down to me paternally on my paternal side of your Grampa, who is my Dad and his Dad.

SUPER-HEARING VERSUS SUPER-LISTENING. GOT IT, DAD.

Yes.

Clark Kent's super-hearing detects faint, distant or criminally muffled cries of help from far away. The pretend reporter puts his wool suit back on over his blue tights with red shorts quickly when he hears the nylon whisper of Lois Lane's angry thighs rubbing together over the clack-clack of those furious four-inch heels that Superman really digs because Clark, er, uh Superman's back.. ah, oh, uh nylon Lois gets crazy with the muffled cries of, you know what I mean...

YES DAD. YOUR SUPERMAN STORIES ARE WAY LESS TRAUMATIZING THAN YOUR BATMAN AND ROBIN STORIES YOU TOLD ME WHEN I WAS LITTLE, I MUST SAY ...

And so you should Mija. Because, you see, I was well-fed and had no homework when my mortal earthling hearing detected the message my Cousin It conveyed verbally:

Don't do that! You're gonna get sick and it's gross.

was, thankfully and instantly, translated to the following:

Why do you re-use disposable paper products

like your Grampa does? Are you both stupid?

So like the puma which is, while I'm on the subject, native to the land that bore your great-grandfather, I immediately stumbled over our electric guitars that were leaning on the amps I just knocked down that were right next to your wading pool I just put you in, which pulled the patch cords connecting said amps and guitars which knocked over a dozen or so empty and partially filled bottles of distilled grain beverages with cat-like reflexes and cat-like bare feet.

SO YOUR INABILITY TO DIGEST CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM MADE YOU DROP UNCLE IVAN'S BRAND NEW FLYING V RIGHT BEFORE YOU RETURNED THE VAPOR-INSULT THAT EXISTED ONLY IN YOUR HEAD.

Not quite but, yes, Mija.

Like a barefoot puma-type wild cat of the Mexican jungles with ultra sensitive super listening skills, I broke my cousins guitar and put you in a shallow pool of water directly underneath the twisted vines of power cords commonly found in the puma jungles.

I REMEMBER, DAD. IT WAS TWO YEARS BEFORE I WAS BORN.

Exactly, Mija.

Thankfully, though, when I rose quickly in anger at the non-existent insult my Cousin It never threw at me so callously, it occured to me only decades later, that he, Cousin It was one of the first people in my adult life to point out certain habits I developed while imitating or emulating Grampa which are considered by a vast majority of the western civilized world to be unattractive and messy.

HAVE YOU BEEN LISTENING TO THAT DAMIEN RICE GUY AGAIN, DAD? YOU WERE DOING SO WELL NOT DRINKING AND BRUSHING YOUR TEETH AT LEAST ONCE A DAY, RIGHT?

I am glad you mentioned that, Mija.

No, I haven't been listening to the Damien Rice guy more than I brush my teeth, yes, that's right.

YOU KNOW YOU HAVE TO QUIT THINKING ABOUT HER LIKE THAT, DAD. I KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE BEING ALONE BUT SHE *DID* TEACH YOU ABOUT FABRIC SOFTENER AND DROVE YOU TO SCHOOL AND SUPPORTED YOU WHEN YOU WEREN'T WORKING. SHE EVEN HELPED YOU WITH YOUR THE TEETH BRUSHING ISSUES AND SHE EVEN INTRODUCED YOU TO DENTAL FLOSS, RIGHT DAD?

Precisely, Mija. That's why I am so very proud of you Mija. And that is exactly why I called you.

I called you because you know how to listen and not just hear. You know, it just occured to me that you are the Jimmy Johnson to my Barry Switzer, right Mija?

THANK YOU DAD. YOU KNOW I TELL YOU EVERY TIME YOU CALL ME JIMMY JOHNSON THAT I DON'T LIKE THE COWBOYS *AND* THE UNIVERSITY OF MIAMI EXCEPT FOR BASEBALL ONLY.

Thank you, Mija.

JUST BE YOU OKAY DAD? YOU AREN'T TRYING TO BE MIKE MARTZ AGAIN ARE YOU, DAD?

Oh no, Mija. Ha-ha.

YOU KNOW, DAD, SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA PUNT ON FOURTH DOWN AND NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP OVER IT, OKAY DAD?

Okay, Mija. I won't beat me up anymore.

--Long Pause Of Concern--

HEY DAD? YOU KNOW WHY KURT WARNER AND HIS WIFE HAVE MATCHING HAIR CUTS?

No.

That's a good question, Mija. Why *does* Kurt Warner and his wife have matching hair cuts?

I DON'T KNOW DAD. I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE YOU LAUGH.

Thank you Mija. You always cheer me up when I hear your voice.

THANKS DAD.

HEY, YOU KNOW ME AND RICH WERE GONNA ADOPT A CHINESE BOY LAST WEEK BUT WE DIDN'T.

Really? That's okay Mija. Were you disappointed?

NO. WHEN I PUT ON THE #80 49'er JERSEY ON HIM BEFORE WE LEFT I THOUGHT SOMEONE WOULD THINK HE WAS PANHANDLING BECAUSE HE HAD THE WORD "RICE" ON THE BACK OF HIS SHIRT.

Oh Mija. Are you watching Comedy Central again? Have I ruined you, my daughter.

YES AND NO. I TRY TO KEEP UP ON COMEDY CHANNELS SO I CAN UNDERSTAND YOU BETTER BUT NO, YOU WEREN'T AROUND ENOUGH TO RUIN ME DAD.

--Laugh Out Loud Til I Cough--

Oh Mija. You ar so good. Hee-hee. You always make my heart smile.

I KNOW. I KNEW YOU'D GET IT. SEE? GOOD COMEDY AND GOOD FOOTBALL ARE ALL ABOUT TIMING. yOU DON'T NEED TO BE SHOCKING OR JOVIAL ALL THE TIME, DAD. jUST BE WHO YOU ARE.

Thank you Mija.

WELL I BETTER GO. YOU ALRIGHT DAD?

Yes Mija.

I'm just so glad you know what dental floss is and I hope you eat something soon because you can't study when you're hungry.

OKAY DAD.

Remember, Mija: I don't live for you. I live because of you.

I KNOW, DAD.

--Too Soon To Hang Up Pause--

JUST QUIT LISTENING TO SAD SONGS FOR A WHILE OKAY?

--You're Almost There, Dad Pause--

TRY TO NOT THINK ABOUT HER WHEN YOU'RE SAD.

MAYBE JUST ONLY MAKE YOURSELF NOT THINK ABOUT HER WHEN YOU'RE SAD OR LET HER INSIDE WHEN YOU AREN'T SAD OR MAYBE THINK ABOUT HER ONLY TO REMIND YOU TO BRUSH YOUR TEETH, OKAY?

Okay, Mija.

REMEMBER WHEN YOU TOLD ME TO JUST LISTEN TO JAMES BROWN? YOU TOLD ME THAT I WON'T EVER BE SAD IF I QUIT WATCHING TV AND QUIT WATCHING OR LISTENING EVERYTHING AND ONLY LISTEN TO NOTHING BUT EVERY ONE OF JAMES BROWN SONGS EXCEPT "It's A Man's World", REMEMBER?

Correct. Yes Mija, that's right.

YOUKNEW "It's A Man's World" WAS KIND OF A STUPID SONG FOR GIRLS WHEN YOU TOLD ME ABOUT LISTENING TO JAMES BROWN WHEN I'M SAD, RIGHT DAD?

Yes Mija. I wanted you to be independent., yes Mija.

SO YOU SEE? YOU'RE NOT SO BAD.

Thank you, Mija. Thank you for saying so.

OKAY DAD.

GO HOME.

GO TO BED, OKAY?

GOOD NIGHT, DAD. I LOVE YOU TOO, DAD.

--click--

Okay.

Good night, Mija.

I will.

"iz a Mainz werl...iz a meinz werl...buddit be nathee...nathee..widah a wiminnnanahurl..."