Remember when your best friend told me I was fat? That was the Thanksgiving we didn't see our families because she had all her family in Europe. Boy I sure miss that.

After you went public about us kind of being a couple, I recall many people you knew were always trying to set you up with someone else, as if I were dating above my class, which was actually true. If anyone you knew then told you I had no heart its because I didn't want them to know when they hurt my feelings.


The only time I've ever been afraid to work in my life was when I was asked to do something by someone in your family. If ever I appeared to be a coward in front of your relatives because of working for someone in your family, it's because I was.

This is the most stupid thing I have evr written in my life. And nothing I've ever written has made me feel better; too. Anyways...

You appeared to enjoy my writing and encouraged me to go back to school and supported me in every venture we thought I'd enjoy or we were certain a particular venture or separate vacations would be good for me but soon after you'd tell me I don't know how to lauder nor fold properly. Lack of proper breeding I'd say. When I responded in jest or just chose not to reply at all, it's not becuase I was dumb. It's because I was stupid. We both really believed I was smart but couldn't really look at anything I'd done to prove it.

You love me but you're not in love with me. Moments after I see the Match.com sheet on your table, you're saying you can't imagine daily life without talking to me. You want us to always be friends.

The one thing thing that's kept us friends is no one you've ever dated, been married or related to has loved you as much as I used to. Even if the remotest possibility that someone else with more and better things to offer you than me liked you even half as much, you'd have shined me in a second.

There are few certainties in life and there are no guarantees in Reality, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. But I would bet any amount any day that if you asked every single person that knew us both, either family liked us both or just you, you wouldn't be able to find anyone who could question or disprove my feelings and intentions regarding you.

I'm asking you to let me go not because I'm whiny or pissed or vengeful. On the contrary, I still believe as I always have that you are quite the best prize by far, regardless of standard or measure. I am confident, more than convinced, that you will soon indeed find someone with means and ability to provide for you. I thought by Xmas of this year it would happen. And for us both to be fully prepared for that to happen I would have to step out of your myspace gracefully and quietly.

You may think you're too picky but no one who has things and is committed to a wage or career could even fathom the notion of choosing you over themselves. By definition; you cannot reaosnably ask a stranger, especially male, to not snore, maintain a certain living and hygene standard AND be so certain about how devoted they are to you.

Of course it is untrue if not silly to believe that all my love for you has ceased to exist or evaporate like some desert water committment vapor. But if I started to hang with a woman or girl who said to me and did with me all that you - bad or good - did with me in the beginning and talked about me and to me as you do now?

Girls say its easier for guys and visa-versa. I say that odds to find someone as baggage free and attractive as you are very slim. Finding someone who really likes me won't be very hard to find. I knew from the start with you and Nina I was over my head, out of my league, I was lower class than you both. And in so many words you both told me the same thing. Only twice in my life did I not hesitate to diplay openly and as frequently express my devotion to you and the Dragon Lady. I know you hate the comparison but you have it all over her because you never misled me. We laugh about the "dont get your hopes up" but that was the very thing that has kept any integrity to the single relationship I *still* am interested in sharing a casual correspondence.

Not even you can keep me away from you.

But asking me to be friends with you and your next husband is like asking me to like the 49ers: I would sooner give up on professional football entirely than to even act like I care about another team. They might not ever win another Super Bowl!

And so it goes with me. I would sooner give up on even dating before I could even *act* like I'm happy for you and your new boyfriend. Its not jealousy; again, I beieve I am more confident than you of that scenario.

And as you gave me more than enough chances and support to make something of me would I ask something that seems opposite but quite similar in scope: I cannot bear to think about life without you but I have had to accept and honor our differences and even gave being your Monica-Rachel thing a decent, sincere try for way more than a year. Even as far back as before helping you move into that place three doors down from where we lived with the freaky chick who pretended to like the bible whosis? my head knew you were done with me but my heart still felt as it did when first we met.

Remember I used to pick you up and twirl you around when I hadn't seen you after a whole work-day? That elation, that relief, joy over seeing someone never goes away on its own. It has to be ...

ignored or outgrown.

You had to be there.

Anyways, I hope I've not messed your whole day up. And if I did, I can almost guarantee it will be for the very last time.