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the voice inside has often said ... shut up and listen ... but has never honored its own decree • I have failed to do this universe any justice ... until those whom I once held in spite made me look and see 

i’ve held the office of ill magic and common lore ... i’ve learned the music but never knew what it was truly for • I’ve seen the records but rarely gave them any thought ... i’m not a thief by trade but never knew until I was caught

a woman I held in high regard ... well read but unwritten ... was in tears when she gave me the nod • she told me what I needed to know ... told me exactly still I failed to show

given her each emotion without proof  regard ... she compiled every score and kept me in her yard • when I failed delivery I kept intent inside ... never knowing she’d dug the bike for me and my pride

for all the panic anxiety she put on display ... it only took six weeks to be replaced in one day • and its been almost three years to fully understand ... she never meant to follow any she can’t stand

so why still fail daily to act upon my accord ... you’d think I’d leaned it’s been half a decade since she intended to be my reward • the thanks I get to seeing to her wounds and happiness ... now comes in the form of ghosts and Line duress. 

like always have we subscribed to only her rule ... she made me feel a stallion while speaking of me as her mule • now that she’s sure to never be alone ... she taken with her every reason to her I’ve shown 

it must be nice to be the apple of someone’s eye ... especially with the power to possess any art student eye • and I have yet to even internally see her as a bitch ... she pulled the trigger long before making her switch

so again I find myself outside every house ... now long forgotten reduced to christmas carol voiceless mouse • for the most wonderful time of the year is meant only for those who can ... eating the cake you can keep means making garbage out of one man

in every prayer is the hope of petition ... in every cover song is the art of free rendition • everything I admired of her turned  into her truth ... every time I chew I am forced to use her tooth

in every song every face in every car ... comes with the empty knowledge of how and where you are • I told myself not to even try to replace ... the part of my brain you saw fit long ago to erase 

for a month I stopped writing time wasted like this ... and no matter how much I drank it still turned to piss • so I have yet to drink since your birthday ... the fourth one that’s passed since you wished me away

each day is another chance to relive mistakes ... with every memory is another chuck of me you take • and every night is it’s own nightmare before sleep ... I’ve long since run out of tears but my chest still nightly weeps

I can’t control anyone for whom I still bear ... I’ve long since convinced myself no one can compare • so what it makes me since The One who allows not speak ... doesn’t even have the time to fish me out of her creek

I dismiss immediately each fantasy goodbye ... I’ve long since given up how I have forgotten to ask me why • I’ve even forgotten what or how to see your face  ... all I know is someone else gets to receive your fleeting grace 

please make it stop make it stop

make me stop the chest cavity rain ... all the faith and every time I rubbed from your feet the pain • I was so sure all that time was well spent • now I know from which Heaven you were really sent

for your own amusement is all I ever was ... now that you’ve put an end to me I will die with no cause • success without purpose is breathing just for laughs ... the butt of all your new jokes should make for nice trees and maple saps

And now to look for cans because sometimes I find food ... for someone who is faultless why all the effort to make you also look pure • such a high standard to impress all who you describe in ill terms ... couldn’t see your disease from your fear of everyone’s germs

I wish I’d given up so long ago • a bullet to spare me of hearse tow • far be it from you to show mercy • for that would imply you had malice with no courtesy

I was happy and carefree • now still chewing the hook you left inside me • weighted by the stone keeping to yourself my unknown • sentenced to a death of unresolve • on purpose holding over me my evolve • you gave me everything none before tried and failed • including my heart in a coffin and still leaving the lid yet to be nailed 

it must be nice to look down upon me with my lowly fate • you let me be only yours even knowing my time would be too late • if I disappointed you failing your emotional warfare bell • it’s because I thought I would gladly accept your absence and your special hell 

I hope I make things easier for you dumping souls • I know how much you love having at your reach all the controls • I removed the photos because I thought it’s what you preferred • you told me you kept me from sight and mind freeing you from all absurd 

you would have been nicer to me if you shot me in the head • a bullet to my heart would mean stealing from you instead • for you’ll always have that comfort when your paradise shows flaw • it’s me that gave you spirit while honoring your faithful law

it’s her who took my happiness and tossed it under the streetlights … written in july of 2021: duplicate?