6:43 PM 10/11/2007

I have had to make an individual, selfless effort to find out from you that you're In Love & traveling the country giving insurance benefits presentations. You have seen fit this calendar year not to reveal to me anything remotely personal about you. For these reasons, I can honestly say that I sincerely congratulate you, because I can.

I am now capable of being a better friend to you than you are to me.

If at any time in your future you want to be my friend, please do not try to spare my feelings because doing so is killing me. When I don't hear from you and I resolve to forget you I thrive: I recover self-esteem and regain my confidence. I make precise, calculated decisions that benefits me financially, legally, spiritually, emotionally and professionally.

And as soon as I resolve to let you back in as my Friend all that progress and growth goes to waste because even though I have sworn to me - not you but to me - to truly be your friend, I privately, quietly suffer - suffer! - because I am trying my best to be a friend to the only woman with whom I am In Love. And when you make me be your friend you never call. When I need a friend, I don't have one.

You are killing me. You would be doing me a favor by walking up to me and shooting me in the head.

Mark this day in your Susy Calendar, for yesterday will be the last day I cry over you as the only woman I will ever love again. You have repeatedly demonstrated a clear lack of respect, knowledge and concern over who I am as a person. No one knows me better than you do yet you still consider me inferior and unattractive.

Last night I was going to beg to you tell me that you were In Love because you have yet to do so. Yesterday I needed closure. Last night I needed you to be honest with me. Yesterday I needed you to push me in front of the train so I could heal. I needed you to tell me you're In Love so I can go on with my life. I needed to hear you say you would never be In Love with me forever. I needed you to tell me what you've always known.

If you were In Love with your Best Friend, you would know at the same time as she did when she fell In Love. And if she was really your friend, she'd tell you when she fell In Love.

And if you were In Love with your best friend and she had the decency to tell you she was In Love with someone else, you would want to die. Because you've known years before she found another that she would never, ever be In Love with you.

so I want you to know that I relieve you of that emotional burden of telling me you're In Love with someone else because doing so means nothing to me now. As a verb, you really did "love" me. In between the time the Padres were in the Series to the first time you told me you were single you really did Love me.

I kind of envy the new man in your life because he is with the most perfect woman I have ever known. But from now on, I cry no more that you consider me not as worthy as he.

The Bottom Line is: Whatever it is that made you not want me as a friend or lover is, as of this moment, immaterial to me now. The slate is clean. The burden of Friendship "proof" is now yours. You are welcome to call me anytime about whatever it is in your life that is important to you now because you have clearly demonstrated to me that I am not. Not only do you regard me as you always have - inferior, unworthy and unattractive - you now have shown me that my opinion, support and advice aren't even worth the time it takes to dial my number.

Have a nice day.

rjc