The Vacancy

 Once, in a fit of complacency, I confessed to having no more tears left to cry … Soon after found I was unwilling and unable to let any memory of you die … I have since learned how to suffer on my own and without … recognizing the need what to do and what life should be about

Struggle without goals is an exercise without the benefit of strength … Courage without belief is a distance with no sense of its length … Even after accomplishment I must value all I have now … All it takes is the memory of all I was not allowed

Physical and emotional hunger may never again yield any joy … the sorrow and pang of growing up alone compares to my experience as a boy … there is no opportunity or prospect at achieving the sense of internal peace … nothing good comes from the loneliness I believe will never cease

I have found refuge in becoming one who now can self-sustain … the animal I became can now find cover from the Christmas rain … at no point did I ever seriously blame anyone but I … despite all the deepest, mournful sorrow I still had no tears with which to cry

I wish upon no one the turmoil without  the ability to let any memory go … taken from me the means of amends no one will ever come to know … sleepless nights without the benefit of any one dream … forgotten is the face and how your hair used to gleam

Some have perished over less … have I lost the humanity of spiritual chess … art and all it delivers … must take a back seat of four am shivers

Something inside me might wish you well … but for your repulsion to the sight of me and the smell … for beauty is but for the beholden … I am sure you possess what you thought I had stolen

the direction on which I now navigate … now replaces all I was cursed to endlessly wait … the eleven mile walk from you to where I once stayed … is a pain that is now daily is displayed

I can now look anyone in the eye without excuse … an eye for an eye of the needle in mine is put to good use … the first paycheck is always the best … now it may be the final answer of this life’s latest test

I now know for me it’s not about the money … and nothing now comes close to being funny … it’s all about the rules of engagement which binds … every journey is worth only what it finds

without being granted the benefit of making amends … I believe yours is a life on which it never depends … you will never need anyone again as much … you will never need the grace that comes from a single knowing touch

when life gives you lemons make the kind of juice you squeezed … from everyone who wiped your nose every time you sneezed … the safest bet you’ll never need to make alone and lonely … for that is what was gained by what was left for you only

there are no rooms at the dream inn

what was killed will never again begin

don’t worry baby … everything will turn out all right